i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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