I puked a lego.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
