So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
