Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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