i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
