I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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