I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
