I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
