can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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