I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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