I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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