he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
