i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
