I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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