I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
