ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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