fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
