Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
