my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
