I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
