"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
