Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
