I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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