okay pat passed out under dana's car
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
