i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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