you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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