Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sext me about skeletons
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
