So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
