Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I look better un-naked...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
