i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
