Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
