i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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