My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
