I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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