My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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