So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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