Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
