I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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