Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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