If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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