Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
