drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
