there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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