Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
