i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
