u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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