True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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