They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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