if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
