totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
