She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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